TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it could include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That's the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical development-slash-luxury real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Certainly, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are conversing Damascus, town historically known for historic lifestyle, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It may be great. Large!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom simply call, streamed from your Placing inexperienced within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have had gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A few of the ideal. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and completely outside of put. Made by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A a few-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour right until the drone flies")




  • As well as a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable h2o. But Certainly, guaranteed, let's have One more spot exactly where American Gentlemen can dress in robes and call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international plan analysts are calling this probably the most audacious peace try since Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst previous negotiations unsuccessful less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is simpler: supply everyone a suite about the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


Based on documents published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often delicate ability," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a deal and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements less diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Just about every unit. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest noted, "It isn't really that Trump should not open a tower inside a war zone. It can be that he must cease applying it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regards to the venture, replied, "You understand, male, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent folks. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory on the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered Trump Tower Damascus that the lodge's landscaping kinds an enormous Trump head noticeable from Place, a aspect getting marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents plus the chin is… very well, labeled.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits soon after discovering the making's gold plating mirrored a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fire to a local melon cart.


"It is really not simply unappealing. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Baffling Characteristics


Perhaps the strangest ingredient of your tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium wherever attendees may well contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with local climate Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Neighborhood Syrians are Doubtful what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-12 months-previous Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Tactic: "For those who Bomb It, They are going to Appear"


The ad marketing campaign, lately leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Eternally."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll executed within a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% stated "wherever's the closest elevator to your West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Crisis That Pays"


The task is presently attracting attention from Intercontinental investors, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll buy a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial level can even consist of:




  • A Greenback Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Depending on the Iraq War





Comment Part Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the disclosing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to wait around to discover a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a lodge in which my PTSD might have turn-down services."


A different submit from @KuwaitiKardashian merely asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Studies counsel:




  • China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to develop a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Ultimate Ideas from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It needed gold. It needed a waterslide formed such as the Structure. I gave everything a few. You might be welcome."

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